Grouchy, Pissy, Snarky
by BlankBullet
Summary: Miles has a bad day and he's grumpier than ever, so he grumbles about the people he met on the Island. Beware, the losties from Miles' POV. Ch2: Ben, Kate, Claire and more...
1. Jack, Sawyer, Juliet and more

Grouchy, Pissy, Snarky

Miles has a bad day and he's grumpier than ever – yeah, cause he usually glimmers with joy – so he grumbles about the people he met on the island. Beware, the losties from Miles' POV. Pls, R&R :)

This chapter is dedicated to javajive ;)

**Jack** – the uptight, bland, superhero-wannabe doctor who first found me when I crushed my ass on the rocky side of this damn hellhole. Man, this guy's grim face reminds me of an Ester Island stone head. Seriously, you can bury this guy in the ground up to his neck, and make it a tourist attraction. I nearly pissed myself when LaFleur put him in charge of the janitorial trolley. Worst humiliation ever: a stuck-up surgeon, who probably graduated from some snobbish Ivy League Med School, became a freakin' custodian in a happy hippie village. This really made my day.

**LaFleur** – this guy has so many aliases, his real name could be Hillbilly Joe for all I know. When I first met JIM, his testosterone levels were so pumped up, I thought his eyeballs were going to pop out. He was acting like a freakin' maharajah, swinging his riffle dangerously close to the back of my head, giving me restraining orders (pfff), tossing around nicknames.... Oh yeah, he likes to do that, but the thing is... he really sucks at it. Calling me Bruce Lee? Oh yeah, sooo original, so innovative, wow. What the hell is he, like 12? But I gotta admit, I WAS impressed when he bamboozled those dumb stoners into thinking we were actually in a boat wreck. What bothers me though, is that they made him our boss. Yeah, way to go hippies, your new head of security is a guy with an ego the size of Texas, and huge anger management issues. Also, the guy claims to be well-read and grandiloquent, but every time he opens his big mouth, I hear grammatical disasters like "ain't none of ya business," but I digress. The guy's a freaking psycho. One day, he's gonna lose it, and when he does, I just know - I have that gut feeling - that he's gonna take it out on me. But that's just my luck.

**Jin **– what can I say about Jin? He looks like a Korean version of Ronn Moss. He doesn't say much, even now that he has learned English, which is why I dislike him LESS than other people in this cuckoo town. Still, the guy freaks me out sometimes. The disapproving glares he gives me every time I pay perfectly chivalrous – mind you – compliments to the hot Dharma ladies, send shivers down my spine. Jin's like a freaking robot with a few disconnected circuits – particularly those responsible for a sense of humor. I told him several times now, he should get laid and get rid of that stick up his ass, but I don't think he got the message. Well, maybe that's for the better, more hot chicks who dig Asian dudes for me.

**Juliet** – a complete ice queen. No, she's an iceberg that sank the Titanic. She's so cold, the polar bears on the Hydra island feel at home when she's around. The weird thing is, she's a gynecologist or something, but decided to work as a grease monkey in the motor pool. Well, I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference... You just fix stuff under the bonnet. Anyways, despite the fact her death glare scares the living shit outta me, she's number two on my Top 5 Hottest Island Chicks list, just behind Naomi.

**Horace** – God, that guy pisses me of. Everything about him is so damn irritating – from his crazy hairdo, tie-dye T-shirts, circles of trust, his mumbling about the truce with the Hostiles, to his annoying habit of ending every damn sentence with a semi-question 'okay.' "Don't go on the hostiles' territory, okay?" "Take this smelly, ugly-ass corpse to Dr Chang, okay?" "Don't press 77 in the Flame Station, okay?" Well, don't make me kick your ass Horace, OKAY?

**Sayid** – the maniac Iraqi who shot kid Linus. The Rambo of Bollywood. The Jean-Claude Van Damme of the Middle East. He's even more pumped up than Dr. Janitor, LaFleur and Robo-Jin combined. Yeah, "I'm such a hot alpha male rogue cause I constantly wear sleeveless tank tops to show off my hefty biceps". Puh-lease! I could easily kick his ass. Not that I have to prove anything to anybody, but theoretically, in a combat, I'd so kick his Arabic butt. Oh, and I don't have to go out and shot 12-year olds to affirm my masculinity.

So these were Miles' catty comments on some of our losties. Pls, let me know what you think, and which characters do you want Miles to bash next.

Next chapter: Kate, Faraday, Ben and more....


	2. Round 2: Ben, Claire, Kate and more

This chapter is dedicated to MyLuckyWhistle

**Dan **– a mad scientist who'd forget how to piss if he didn't have to. He almost drove me crazy on the freighter, to the point I seriously reconsidered garbing one of Keamy's machine guns to blow his freaking head off. Believe me, you've no idea how hard I had to contain myself not to throw him overboard. I can't decide what's more irritating about this pathetic head case, the stuttering, twitching and squirming like he was going through serious cocaine withdrawals, or his constant babbling about time travel that makes me nauseous. And what's with that tie? Is it permanently attached to his neck? It's ridiculous! Anyway, just when I thought his greasy head can't be more screwed up, Charlotte dies, and his madness goes to a whole new level. When he left for Ann Arbor, I thought he'd make a fortune by inventing the DVD or something - that's what I would do – but no, he had to come back and brazenly blab everything out to these crazy hippies. Thanks a lot Dan, I should have kicked your ass for this, but your mom already did. Ok, I gotta admit, it kinda sucks he was shot by his own mother, but I bet she was just as deranged as he was. It's all in the genes man.

**Claire** – I wonder whatever happened to that cute Aussie chick? I kinda liked her at first – I've always had this unexplainable soft spot for single moms – until she just walked off into the jungle with some old creep she called "dad", leaving her kid behind. What kind of a mother does that? Anyways, this one time I sensed something rather disturbing about her, but I couldn't really put my finger on it as I was too busy watching her breastfeeding the baby. A nice sight, but her damn big brother Sawyer had to butt in, bitching something about putting a boot in my face. I don't think that chick liked me, but still, she's #3 on my HIC list.

**Phil** – LaFleur's pricky suck-up that looks like Bert from Sesame Street. Man, I'd love to make him my punching bag. That pathetic loser walks around like he owned the whole damn Dharmaville, not even noticing the pitiful looks people give him. Once that little bastard caught me with a small joint and snitched me to LaFleur. I swear to god, one day I'm gonna take that damn clipboard of his and shove it up his ass.

**Linus **– the king of creeps. I have to say, it amazes me how he ALWAYS gets what he wants. First, they capture they guy, beat the living crap out of him and put a gun to his head, but then he just works his magic and the next day he's getting pound cake for dessert. Seriously, is he that smart, or is the rest of them THAT dumb? Maybe he hypnotizes them with his crazy cobra-like stare? Well, it certainly didn't work with Sayid. But maybe the crazy Iraqi mistook him for Harry Potter?

**Radzinsky** – of all the maniacs, creeps and psychos on the island, this guy takes the cake. His constant rambling about the Swan and saving the world makes me wanna puke every time I hear it. He reminds me of my psychotic match teacher from high school who retired after having a major nervous breakdown. If I were Horace, I'd stuff his hyper-tense-batshit-crazy ass with a solid dose of Xanax. I swear, one of these days somebody's gonna snap and blow his balding head off.

**Kate **– sassy chick with a major tude – my kind of girl. She whacked her old man which earns her extra points in my book. Once I had a nasty dream about Kate and Juliet wearing see-through bikinis, wrestling in chocolate syrup. Oh, how I love my dirty subconscious. What bothers me though, is that both of these incredibly hot babes fell for redneck-LaFleur. Guess beauty and brains don't go together after all. Either way, she's #4 on my HIC list.

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So these were Miles' catty comments on some of our losties. Pls, let me know what you think, and which characters you want Miles to bash next.

Next chapter: Locke, Charlotte, Frank and more...


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